Laying around --

I've been doing a lot of this lately. Is it a need that we all have? To escape for such long periods of time from everything? Or is it just us giving up - retracting back into the caves of our mind and being reclusive. Shutting ourselves off from everything because we're scared. Do we create our own unhappiness? Where have I disappeared to. Sometimes I like to think it's an oasis I've always dreamed of. But, again, our perspective is what creates the world we're in - a world of lies. Our brains instinctively lies to itself constitutionally. The greatest human fallacy.

Love. To believe I've been there is so hard. The faintest memory I've ever had. Am I convincing myself that I can love again? Somewhere deep down, I know I can. However, at the same time, it's almost as if I feel like I never will. Doubt with everything in my life has overwhelmed me. Absolute mortification of everyday life. Life has become so eerily unreal. I feel as if I've completely lost myself. Most of us probably have and continue to do so on a daily basis. I have no grasp of who I am, where I'm going, what I want or even my thoughts.

I've always said that I would die to keep my mind. I would give up everything I have or ever will enjoy to keep my mind. Is this true? What do I look like from the outside? Nobody has ever ripped me apart. Told me what I really am or what I really look like. The same compliments grow old, day after day. They don't make me happy in the least bit. "You're cute." "You're handsome." "You're sweet." "You're smart." "You have beautiful eyes." "You're an old soul." "You give great advice." Why are all of these things relevant to me? Why do I, out of all people not know who I am and what I'm made of. Quite possibly, these compliments put me in the most uncomfortable state of mind. I have let life rip the rug out from under my feet - overcome by sadness, fear, loss, mistakes, and have genuinely lost my mind. Not in an insane psychotic way. But, in a way that is self-detrimental. Consistently building roadblocks for myself. I spend too much time looking out at the world and helping others. Breaking down their problems and creating solutions custom tailored to them. However, I myself can not solve a single problem I come across. Nor has anybody offered to help me along the way. Always thinking that I have my life completely under control. This perception of me is solely based of what I do and how my mind works. Not how things actually are. Do people want to perceive me as the answer to so many things?

Who am I? Is anyone out there? Does anybody really know who I am?

I don't.

Good morning!

Good morning girls, guys, and whoever/whatever that might be reading my blog! It's been so very long since I last updated... so this might be a lengthy one. It might not - we'll see how it all pans out and what I remember vs. what I don't remember.

It might be best for me to start off catching up by saying that I haven't talked to any potential Sugar Daddies over the past month and a half. However, I've developed a relationship with an executive who takes very good care of me and does whatever I want to make me happy. We get along so well - he's definitely not a sugar daddy but he pampers me like crazy. Shopping, dining out, we're planning trips too! He's handsome, he's young (lower 30's), and he's just so damn nice! Sometimes I feel like this is what I want. Settling down, moving in together, living life and falling in love with him. And then I think about everything that I'll give up. Will I really be happy? What matters to me in life anymore? I really don't know - I'm lost. 

I got into a spat with him a few days ago, solely his fault, he openly admits this, too. So, I've been a bit distanced and started getting to know someone else a bit. Definitely not a take care of me type of guy... but, he's so cute, tall, young (late twenties), and he makes me happy. But, I still don't think it would ever blossom into complete happiness. So, I lay around with him. Holding hands, cuddling, kisses. And, instead of smiling I just think. Is this what I want?

So, upon understanding that I definitely don't know what I want - I logged into SA last night and sent out a few winks ;) Aren't the fantastic. I even sent one to a diamond club daddy! About an hour later I received a message with his personal email and he liked everything about my profile! Fantastic isn't it? I'm definitely not holding my breath for anything anymore. 

I'm so scatter brained today... so, this post is really short. I'll go back and detail it when I can. Promise!

On the brightside, work is going so well for me!!! I booked a huge campaign and I'm being flown to CA this month. Then I'll work in Chicago and Orlando for a few days. I'm getting paid out the ass for it ;) And it's a contract job! Woohoo!! Puerto Rico for work a little bit after. Then I'll be back in NYC for Fashion Season in August. Crazy busy but so, so, so bored at the same time. 

I hope you're all doing well and I'm sorry for abandoning you for such a long time. I miss you all a lot! Maybe we should get in the works for planning a sugar baby party amongst ourselves? ;D

Sebastian

An update

Now that the year is coming to an end, I figured it's time for an update after the end of my NYC trip a week and a half ago. I'm sitting here at night thinking so much about so many things. My life is honestly a mess right now... I seem to only be adding more stress with the choices I make and what I choose to focus on.

Here's a rundown of all the things on my mind:
a.) A man that I've been in love with since I was fourteen years old. I've been proposed to twice in my life by him and regret not accepting his proposals. He loves me with all of his heart but he's scared to be with me. Because, he knows, in his heart of hearts, that if he ever was to give his love to me... I could very well be the end of his world. So, in turn, he chooses to date men that he has very little interest in and live life knowing that he won't be hurt by the men he doesn't love. He's perfect. But he always runs away from me in the end.

b.) My ex-boyfriend.. that I still have feelings for. We dated for a couple of years and then broke up recently. Lately we've been spending more time together, which I enjoy, but we act as if we're still together.

c.) My DUI - woohoo for lawyer's costs, court fines, probation, etc. Who knows what's going to happen with this one?

d.) The opportunity to move to Chicago and restart my life. I'd be with extended family (the ones I absolutely love to pieces). This also comes with leaving the friends I've had the longest.. my father was a Commanding Officer in the Navy - we moved often. I've known everyone here for at least 4 years, if not, more. I was so used to changing friends every year and a half or two.

e.) Modeling - it's just as stressful as ever.

f.) Lack of motivation in school and other places in my life

g.) Sugar Daddies - It's a great thrill and I enjoy older men in the first place. However, it's so time consuming and exhausting. A few new pots are starting to show up - woohoo!

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I have a lot of decisions and choices to make. My mind is fried. Goodnight.


I hope you're all enjoying your holidays!

Sebastian

Apparently men with Centurion card...

Are only good for a dinner. Haha. Back into the sugar search I go!

Sebastian

Just created a Facebook!

Click on my badge and feel free to add me :)

Looking forward to talking to you all there!

I Can Have Another You in a Minute

"You must not know about me, you must not know about me. I can have another you in a minute. Matter of fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby. You must not know about me, you must not know about me, I can have another you by tomorrow. So, don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable."

I am the luckiest son of a bitch in the world. Shortly after being ditched by NYCSD - I decided to ditch him. Forever. So, instead, I was invited out by an older gentleman today. I told him I was busy and he asked what my schedule was like tonight - I told him I had nothing planned. We met at 11:20 at a beautiful restaurant inside a boutique hotel. It was a Japanese place. More sake and a nice NYC strip steak with onion strings. Delicious. Oh, and guess what, we were talking about airports and our funny stories - here's one he shared with me. You ALL will love this.

American Express Centurion Card

I'm sure we all know how important this card is. And what it means. Right? Well, I held it in my hand at the end of dinner today! That's right. I held it!!!! He was talking about how when he went to the airport one time the scanner went off and kept going off. TSA asked if he has anything metal, he of course didn't think of his wallet. The TSA asked if maybe he had a wallet or something on him. He gave the man his wallet, and then realized that his card is made of Titanium. When I put water on Buddha yesterday at Megu for good luck... I certainly got it!!! He's personally selecting an apartment for me to move into over by the Time Warner Building in NYC, he's also paying for ALL my expenses, all my shopping, and all my travel. We discussed this at dinner tonight. He has had one sugar baby before out in California. However, it didn't work out. But during the time they were together he provided him an apartment, luxury vehicle, allowance, etc. This is classified to me as the "you can have whatever you like" daddy. His name here will be known as "Centurion." Perfect, yes?

We had met through SA back in September and exchanged emails back and forth but didn't have the chance to meet up. So, I of course e-mail him today after what occurred. He replied half an hour later. I replied half an hour after that. Then he asked for my phone number, which I gladly provided because I was pretty desperate for something new. All of this ended in a phone call inviting me to Columbus Circle at The Shops at Time Warner. We ate and he gave me $100 for a cab home :)

Here's what I get out of our first date. Any apartment I want. He's already searching for one for me - in Midtown West! Soon, I'll be living a life of shopping, eating, traveling and sleeping. Go me! Wish me luck. How do I make sure I don't lose him? I'm not worried about it but it's something I'm scared of. I've bagged such a great guy in under an hour.

Sebastian

Update: Biggest Let Down in the Sugary World of Sebastian

So, as I sit here in my hotel room, looking out over the large window that gives me a beautiful view of Tribeca... I'm also very disappointed. After running an hour late to dinner last night, due to the subway changing their trains to express and having to reroute myself to get to my destination (I'm not the best at subways in the first place), I arrived to Megu. NYCSD was not pleased, but I felt as if I calmed him down and that my apology was appropriate. It's a beautiful restaurant and you'll be able to hear all about my experience last night shortly.. however, I feel that this update is more important.

After dinner last night, NYCSD and I walked around and went on a history walk and talked for about 45 minutes. We walked through City Hall park and smoked a few cigarettes talking about so many different things. The original news houses. George Washington's pew at the church. Hangings at City Hall Park. Where they film Ugly Betty. The most expensive building in the world. The creme de la creme of cafes back in the 60's and 70's. How Tribeca quickly became such a hot spot when it was nothing before. I enjoyed this so very much because he's so knowledgeable about the city. I have a big thing for history - I love NYC for it's history because it's the center of all of America's history. We parted ways and I was given tickets to meet with him at the Museum of Modern Arts in the early afternoon - he said he'd call. I arranged a wake-up call for 10 and 10:30. I then turned in after feeding my goldfish and went to bed.

I awoke to my wakeup calls and then went back to sleep when I had saw that I had not yet received a call. I then awoke again at 1pm. I texted, called and then texted and called again. No answers, period. Today was supposed to be my MOMA and shopping day. I didn't get it either. To have come here and enjoyed such a fine experience initially and to be let down on my last day here isn't acceptable. Much like my late arrival wasn't acceptable to one of the best restaurants in NYC last night. However, I had a very understandable reason for this. Upon realizing that MOMA closes at 5:30 today... I sent NYCSD a text.

"I appreciate your generosity during my time here. However, if you didn't show up today because of my tardiness the other night - I do apologize and completely understand. I hope your day is going well."

The one thing that I disliked the most, indeed wasn't going shopping or to the MOMA... but the fact that I was told I would receive a call from him about when to meet up today. When I didn't receive that call, it became a problem for me. Do not bring me to NYC, promise me these things, and then leave me last minute with no reason or explanation. Do not drop off the Earth and not let me know that you're not able to get together and have me wait on you the way I have.

So, instead of shopping and going and enjoying my day. I have instead been in my room with the occasional cigarette break in front of the hotel. No worries though, I'll be turning this day around with one of my friend's Isabella tonight - I'll treat her to dinner and drinks which I'll charge to the room. I was previously given permission to do so. He's responsible for the expenses I incur here because he brought me here. The goal was to pamper me and lavish me with gifts and beautiful dinners. Clearly this goal has not been met. I'll then go out to Isabella's friend's going away party before he leaves the city to work in the overseas modeling market.

For now, I won't talk to NYCSD until he comes back to me - I do hope he will. But if he doesn't there's no use crying over spilled applesauce. He's such a kind man and he's very smart. These are things that I enjoy about him. I enjoy spending time with him and both of us being entertained. But, then again, this isn't acceptable.

Going home tomorrow, I depart in the evening. I'm ready for this to be over with. And so, the search for some new sugar begins. This flame extinguished itself so quickly but I hope that it ignites once again.

Sebastian