I've been doing a lot of this lately. Is it a need that we all have? To escape for such long periods of time from everything? Or is it just us giving up - retracting back into the caves of our mind and being reclusive. Shutting ourselves off from everything because we're scared. Do we create our own unhappiness? Where have I disappeared to. Sometimes I like to think it's an oasis I've always dreamed of. But, again, our perspective is what creates the world we're in - a world of lies. Our brains instinctively lies to itself constitutionally. The greatest human fallacy.
Love. To believe I've been there is so hard. The faintest memory I've ever had. Am I convincing myself that I can love again? Somewhere deep down, I know I can. However, at the same time, it's almost as if I feel like I never will. Doubt with everything in my life has overwhelmed me. Absolute mortification of everyday life. Life has become so eerily unreal. I feel as if I've completely lost myself. Most of us probably have and continue to do so on a daily basis. I have no grasp of who I am, where I'm going, what I want or even my thoughts.
I've always said that I would die to keep my mind. I would give up everything I have or ever will enjoy to keep my mind. Is this true? What do I look like from the outside? Nobody has ever ripped me apart. Told me what I really am or what I really look like. The same compliments grow old, day after day. They don't make me happy in the least bit. "You're cute." "You're handsome." "You're sweet." "You're smart." "You have beautiful eyes." "You're an old soul." "You give great advice." Why are all of these things relevant to me? Why do I, out of all people not know who I am and what I'm made of. Quite possibly, these compliments put me in the most uncomfortable state of mind. I have let life rip the rug out from under my feet - overcome by sadness, fear, loss, mistakes, and have genuinely lost my mind. Not in an insane psychotic way. But, in a way that is self-detrimental. Consistently building roadblocks for myself. I spend too much time looking out at the world and helping others. Breaking down their problems and creating solutions custom tailored to them. However, I myself can not solve a single problem I come across. Nor has anybody offered to help me along the way. Always thinking that I have my life completely under control. This perception of me is solely based of what I do and how my mind works. Not how things actually are. Do people want to perceive me as the answer to so many things?
Who am I? Is anyone out there? Does anybody really know who I am?
I don't.
Love. To believe I've been there is so hard. The faintest memory I've ever had. Am I convincing myself that I can love again? Somewhere deep down, I know I can. However, at the same time, it's almost as if I feel like I never will. Doubt with everything in my life has overwhelmed me. Absolute mortification of everyday life. Life has become so eerily unreal. I feel as if I've completely lost myself. Most of us probably have and continue to do so on a daily basis. I have no grasp of who I am, where I'm going, what I want or even my thoughts.
I've always said that I would die to keep my mind. I would give up everything I have or ever will enjoy to keep my mind. Is this true? What do I look like from the outside? Nobody has ever ripped me apart. Told me what I really am or what I really look like. The same compliments grow old, day after day. They don't make me happy in the least bit. "You're cute." "You're handsome." "You're sweet." "You're smart." "You have beautiful eyes." "You're an old soul." "You give great advice." Why are all of these things relevant to me? Why do I, out of all people not know who I am and what I'm made of. Quite possibly, these compliments put me in the most uncomfortable state of mind. I have let life rip the rug out from under my feet - overcome by sadness, fear, loss, mistakes, and have genuinely lost my mind. Not in an insane psychotic way. But, in a way that is self-detrimental. Consistently building roadblocks for myself. I spend too much time looking out at the world and helping others. Breaking down their problems and creating solutions custom tailored to them. However, I myself can not solve a single problem I come across. Nor has anybody offered to help me along the way. Always thinking that I have my life completely under control. This perception of me is solely based of what I do and how my mind works. Not how things actually are. Do people want to perceive me as the answer to so many things?
Who am I? Is anyone out there? Does anybody really know who I am?
I don't.
No comments:
Post a Comment